


Ticking Clock

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - High School, Attempt at Humor, I Don't Even Know, Minor Bucky Barnes/Sam Wilson, No Plot/Plotless, Random & Short, Some bizarre AU I thought up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 12:54:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7802641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Really, a <em>slasher flick</em>?” he asks. He was not the slasher flick type and Tony had to know it, he wasn’t <em>that</em> obtuse. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I figured our first date should commemorate the fact that we both thought the other was an axe murderer when we met,” Tony says and Rhodey throws back his head and laughs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ticking Clock

**Author's Note:**

> God, I don't even know what this is but I hope ya like it.

The last thing James Rhodes expects out of his Tuesday morning English class is to sit next to a fucking psychopath. All he does is sit down to some skinny kid bent over a book doodling away and he figured he’d be quieter than sitting next to Sam and Bucky, who were already squabbling over which one was getting which copy of _Hamlet_ when it was literally the same fucking book either way. He loved them both but he did not have the patience for their shenanigans until noon at least. Steve was a saint for managing to put up with them both, occasionally turning to share a long-suffering stare with Rhodey as Bucky and Sam got into a slap fight over a mechanical pencil that belonged to Steve.

What he does expect id for Ross to drone on and on about Shakespeare and Hamlet, waxing poetic about words written by yet another white dude Rhodey didn’t give a damn about. He might have found an appreciation if it wasn’t for having Rumlow for English last year, killing all love Rhodey used to have for the subject. He killed all Bucky’s love for English too, and on one memorable occasion he almost killed Bucky. To be fair when he dropped that projector on the stairs he had no clue that Bucky was at the bottom of them, snatched out of the way just in time by Sam. At least he graded Bucky easier after that. Rhodey had no such luck and after sitting in Ross’ class for forty minutes he was certain he was going to die from boredom.

That’s when he realizes the mistake of sitting next to Nutty McGee because the kid drops his pencil and looks up. Rhodey probably should have noticed the kid looked pale but to be fair in his predominantly white school _everyone_ looked pale to him, but this kid was some next level almost dead pale. His eyes were rimmed in red, like he either spent the whole night crying or painted his waterline with the blood of his victims and his eyes were dark enough to almost look black. Rhodey was pretty sure he would have shit his pants _before_ the kid spoke let alone after, but this kid was intent on letting Rhodey know that he was not to be trifled with.

“I’m going to go back in time to fucking slit William Shakespeare’s throat and bathe in his blood,” he says, dead serious. He didn’t even blink at the many levels of messed up that statement was.

“Uh… okay?” Rhodey says, sounding scared shitless to his own ears but thankfully America’s Next Top Serial Killer goes back to drawing some weird shit and Rhodey decides he does not need to see whatever screwed up shit this kid was doodling. Steve gives him another one of those ‘Bucky and Sam are being idiots again’ looks and Rhodey tries his best to give Steve a ‘if I die the kid next to me flayed me alive and is wearing my skin as a trophy’ look but Steve doesn’t get it.

By the time the bell rings Rhodey has memorized his exit strategy and he pounces, all but vaulting over the desks in a mad dash to safety, breezing past Sam, Bucky and Steve as he goes. By the time they catch up to him he’s already on the other side of the school at his locker, preparing to switch schools and go into hiding or something. “What the hell was _that_? I know Ross is a bad teacher but he isn’t _that_ bad,” Bucky says, frowning at him. Sam and Steve wear identical confused and worried looks to Bucky’s.

“I had an experience of the third kind,” he says, getting an immediate sympathetic look from Sam but confused looks from Steve and Bucky.

“Aliens?” Steve asks, brows drawing together in bewilderment.

“No,” Sam says, “crazy white people. What happened?” he asks Rhodey. He explains what happened in every terrifying detail, getting sympathetic looks from Sam and Steve.

“Honestly same,” Bucky says after Rhodey was done explaining that he narrowly missed death at the hands of a would-be murderer of beloved classics authors.

“My friendship with you is permanently terminated as of immediately,” Rhodey tells him, taking a hearty step back.

“What?” Bucky asks when Sam and Steve give him a weird look.

“I think you should the guidance councilor,” Sam says, giving Bucky the side eye.

*

Rhodey does not make the same mistake the next time he has English, avoiding where that kid sat by sitting clear across the room. He was here to get his education and live a humble life, not to become some sensationalized story that’ll be used as click bait in six months. Unfortunately for him the kid finds him near immediately and sits next to him like he wasn’t about to knife the teacher. Rhodey marvels at what shitty thing he must have done in a past life to deserve this happening to him right now and he curses past him for being such an asshole.

“Hey man, what’d I miss?” the kid asks, at least looking _human_ today. If it wasn’t for the fact that Rhodey knew this kid was fifty shades of fucked up he might have found him cute, if a little young looking. He had really pretty brown eyes framed by dark lashes though and that was just Rhodey’s type. He curses past him double time for making his likely murdered _cute_ when he didn’t look a demon that ascended straight from hell to steal Rhodey’s mortal soul straight out of his meat vessel.

“Homicide,” Rhodey says vaguely and he could not believe his eyes when Serial Killer gives _him_ a look. For the rest of class Brown Eye Stabby Guy gives him the side eye as if _Rhodey_ was the likely school shooter suspect here but he does his best to ignore that so he could absorb Ross’ lesson. He watches his seat neighbor closely every time the subject of murder comes up to see if he does anything weird. All he does is lean away a little and Rhodey could live with that.

*

“You two don’t understand, by the time class ended I was _positive_ this guy was about to shank me and parade my head around on a pole Lord of the Flies style,” Tony tells Pepper and Natasha but they continue laughing at him. Jerks.

“You’re over reacting, Tony,” Pepper tells him, hand covering her mouth as she snickers.

“I am not, every time murder, homicide, or planning death came up he gave me the side eye like he was telling me that I was his next victim,” Tony tells them, waving his hands around.

Natasha nearly snorts her pop out of her nose, clearly not understanding that Tony was currently under the threat of imminent death. “Jesus _Christ_ Stark, you aren’t going to get murdered by some guy you sat next to twice in English. He has better things to do than murder you,” she says bluntly.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better because it didn’t,” he says. He needed better friends that would care about the fact that he may very well get flayed alive tonight.

“Tony, you have no evidence that he’s killed anyone let alone that he’s going to murder you. Besides, Natasha’s right, he probably has a whole life that does not revolve around ending yours. You’re being needlessly melodramatic,” Pepper says calmly.

“I am not being dramatic. I walked in a little late and figured you know what, he seemed okay on day one so I sat by him again and asked what I missed. And he said _homicide_ , who _does_ that? Who, if not an axe wielding mass murderer, would tell a guy he missed _homicide_ in English?” he asks. His argument was solid and logical, okay, he wasn’t being dramatic or whatever.

“Aren’t you doing Hamlet? Don’t a lot of people die in that? You probably did miss homicide,” Natasha rationalizes.

“People don’t die until act five and we’re in act _one_ and on top of that it’s the _eternity play_ and I believe it because English makes me feel like I’ve aged ten years every class. I missed _no_ homicide, murder would be exciting,” he points out.

Pepper squints, “who’s the serial killer here?” she asks and Tony gasps, pressing his hand to his heart in offense.

*

Tony figures he’ll just avoid Murder McGee but Ross was intent on ensuring his murder and assigns seats, meaning he’s stuck next to one James Rhodes. He texts Pepper and Natasha telling them that if he dies it was James Rhodes that did it. James is texting just as rapidly, probably making murder plans or something.

*

Rhodey was starting to think he was someone really horrible in a past life because Ross makes sure he’s stuck nest to My Daddy Will Make Sure No One Hers About This for the rest of the semester. He makes sure to text Sam, Bucky, and Steve that if he died Anthony Stark definitely killed him. Also his name sounded weirdly familiar but Rhodey tries not to think about it too hard, not wanting to remember if this kid’s name came up in some murder investigation or something.

*

Sam is cackling loud, petting Bucky’s hair as he reads Rhodey’s texts out loud to him. “I can’t believe our luck, or course Ross paired them together,” he says, grinning up at Sam.

“Ross knows how to hit where it hurts, why else would he pair me with Sitwell instead of you?” Sam laments. At least he wasn’t Steve; he was stuck with _Schmidt_ for gods sakes. But Bucky got stuck with Zola so he supposed he got stuck with the lesser of three evils.

“I hope Ross’ cat runs away and goes to live with a more loving family so it doesn’t even miss him,” Bucky mumbles angrily.

“Ohh, harsh words, Barnes,” Sam says, snickering.

“Ross deserves for his cat to love someone else,” Bucky says, “so how’s our Rhodey doing?”

He goes back to cackling as Rhodey sends him another update on his ‘date’ with Tony. All they had to do was analyze a passage together and do a ten minute presentation on it, it wasn’t difficult but Rhodey insisted on being overly dramatic about it, insisting he was walking into his own death. When Sam had suggested he meet Tony in a public place he was half joking but Rhodey had basically praised him to the high heavens for the suggestion, which was why he was in a coffee shop with Tony now.

“Apparently he and Tony have spent the entire last hour awkwardly skirting the subject of murder, which means they’ve gotten no work done. Plus Rhodey looked so freaked out that when Tony left off to go to the bathroom some white lady asked if he was okay and when a white lady asks a black man if he’s okay some serious shit went down,” he says. Usually they all but ran in the opposite direction, especially at night but that was better than being accused of assault so he took it.

Bucky frowns at him, “that’s horrible. And racist.”

“Trust me, I know that bumblebee, but the point still stands. Rhodey must look some freaked out if a white lady asked if he was okay. Anyways when Tony came back they went back to shirting murder. Rhodey’s convinced he’s gunna die but I think that at this point they’ve both psyched each other out. You up for some meddling?” he asks Bucky.

“Always, baby, what’ve you got in mind?” Bucky asks, grinning wide.

*

Pepper and Natasha sit across from Sam and Bucky, both of them look very pleased with themselves. Pepper wasn’t the meddling type per se but Natasha liked to stir the pot every once and awhile just to see what happened and with Tony’s dramatics this was bound to be good. “So,” she says slowly, “your Rhodey is convinced that _Tony_ is a serial killer? Funny, because Tony is under the same impression in the reverse.”

Sam looks offended but Bucky leans forward, “and how did he get this impression from _Rhodey_ of all people?” he asks suspiciously.

“Something about being late to class and homicide, I sort of tuned it out,” she admits, getting a look from Pepper, “what? It was too early for that shit.”

“Tony asked what he missed in English and the answer was homicide in a creepy tone. God knows what that even means, he has a flair for the dramatic,” Pepper says. That was an understatement but Natasha lets it pass. She couldn’t complain after the incident with the snake.

“Rhodey too, but to be fair Tony was genuinely creepy as fuck,” Sam says, reiterating Rhodey’s tale with a lot more detail. By the end Natasha was busting a gut laughing because Tony _hated_ English and had severe insomnia, he probably hadn’t slept in three days and got fed up with Ross only to say something he should have kept in his head forever to Rhodey.

“Oh for gods sakes, we need to throw them in a room together so I don’t have to get any more texts from Tony about _dying_ on coffee dates. Apparently some guy asked if he was okay,” Pepper says, sparing her phone an annoyed glance.

“Oh man, some lady asked of Rhodey was okay too!” Sam says. “Alright, alright, here’s what we do…”

*

Rhodey gives Tony an incredulous look; “you come to class looking like Satan raised you from his lair, red rimmed eyes, pale as fuck, looking ready to drink my blood and _I’m_ the serial killer. You jackass, I’m calling racism here because this is some bullshit,” he says, unable to believe his ears.

Tony looks offended at the suggestion, hand pressed to his heart like Rhodey just accused him of being a murderer. Okay, so he did kind of do that but still. “Oh this is _so_ not a race thing! I come into class late and I sit by you and ask what I miss and then you give me this creepy ass look and say _homicide_. Then, and _then_ , every time Ross mentioned murder, homicide, or planning to kill someone you looked at me. Clearly you were planning my death,” Tony says, probably sounding rational to himself but nuh _uhn_.

“I thought you were going to kill me! Of course I gave you the side eye whenever murder came up you jackhole. I was looking for signs that you were about to pounce! Duh!” It only made logical sense to watch his creepy ass for signs of planning Rhodey’s murder. He was looking forward to living to the next day and enjoying his mom’s cooking. Okay that was a lie, his mother was a terrible cook but he liked that she tried, even if he preferred that she didn’t. it still happened once a week at least though, she’d get home before him and try and brave the stove and he had to try and stomach whatever nutty concoction she thought she thought went together. She really should leave the cooking to him but she tried out of love and he could appreciate that, even if he never wanted to see tuna in macaroni ever again. Or in meatloaf. Actually tuna needed to go altogether.

He watches as things click for Tony and his eyes grow wide, “I may have messed up a little,” he says, “but I stand by wanting Shakespeare dead.”

“Well the good news is that he is,” Rhodey says, unable to keep the snarky comment to himself.

“You know what I meant, asshole. I can do without bathing in his blood though, that’s just weird. I have pretty severe insomnia though and that was the tale end of a four-day stretch, I was seeing shit that wasn’t there by the end of the day, you probably should just ignore that. Did not know that I basically turn into a demon though, good to know,” he says, shuffling awkwardly.

“Oh, insomnia, that explains things. You still need to get your head checked,” Rhodey tells him, giving him the side eye.

“The last shrink I had went nuts,” Tony says blandly, like this is an every day thing.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” he asks, “because it does not.”

*

“We’ve created a monster,” Bucky whispers to him, horrified as they watched Tony and Rhodey bicker.

“Now you two know what I have to deal with all the time,” Steve tells them, looking up from his math homework. First off Sam thought that was unfair, thank you! He and Bucky were a gift to the world and Tony and Rhodey were… bickering over who should have won some math award two years ago. He hadn’t even known that Rhodey was into math and engineering- it wasn’t like he mentioned it, but then Tony came along hating English with a passion, telling Rhodey that he preferred math. That was about when they all realized he was _Tony Stark_ , like _that_ Tony Stark, the boy genius. That explained why he looked so young, he _was_ young. Apparently he could have skipped school a whole lot faster but wanted some semblance of a normal life. So he only skipped ahead twice despite having published papers on engineering so complicated that most current experts didn’t understand his theories.

And now… now he and Rhodey were constantly bickering about math, engineering, mechanical work, cars, robots. If it was made of metal and had gears they argued about it. Tony usually won given that he was one of the smartest people on the planet but Rhodey kept up well enough that Tony kept arguing with him. At this point Sam was pretty sure it was flirting but neither of them knew. “Do… do we tell them that they’re flirting?” Sam asks.

“Don’t you two dare, you’ve meddled enough,” Steve tells them sternly, giving them both a look.

“Okay but we solved the problem,” Bucky points out, “they no longer hate each other.”

“Yeah, but now they’re getting their weird flirting all over my lunch,” Sam mumbles, giving his fries a long, hard look. They just weren’t as good with Tony and Rhodey across the way bitching about robots and other things he didn’t care about.

“Better than you two arguing about the best language to whisper during sex,” Steve says, “which is obviously German, by the way.”

Bucky wrinkles his nose, “ _what_? No, Spanish all the way.”

“Uh, no, French,” Sam tells him.

“Fuck Erik Lehnsherr and you’ll get it,” Steve says as if this was an every day thing that people said about the most terrifying guy in school.

“Details,” Bucky demands, leaning forward and Sam is right there with him, down for finding out the drama of this.

“Xavier’s gunna _kill_ you,” Sam says with maybe too much glee if Bucky’s look is any indication.

“Not if he was there too,” Steve says, grinning as they all but climb over the table for the details of _that_. How the worlds sweetest guy and the worlds scariest got together he’d never know, but he _did_ want to know how the hell _Steve_ got in on it. Unfortunately Steve chooses then to clam up, focusing on his stupid math while he starved Bucky and Sam for details.

*

“Excuse you boy genius, move out of my way,” Rhodey tells Tony, poking him in the side so he could get to the damn shop tools. It was hard to imagine Tony, sweet, not at all innocent _Tony_ being a serial killer now, even if he still looked like a demon when he went too long without sleep. Only now that worried Rhodey instead of scaring him off.

“I am not a boy, and because I’m a genius I should get first pick,” Tony says, grinning at him over his shoulder.

“Fine then, get first pick while Justin Hammer toys with your engine,” Rhodey says casually, watching as Tony tosses a wrench and all but flies across the shop, nearly flinging himself on Hammer when he gets there. Tony flaps his hands at him, unsuccessfully trying to get him to get away from Tony’s admittedly excellent work. It was way better than anything the rest of them had despite it being shop scraps, and it was near completely custom. Rhodey still thought his was pretty good and Tony informed him without much looking at everyone else’s that it was clearly the best aside from his own, obviously. Apparently Tony could just _tell_ and after that incident when he told Hammer his engine would blow up only to have the thing blow up he believed Tony. He hadn’t looked at _that_ in detail either but he still got it right.

He picks what he needs out slowly, half keeping an eye for Tony trying all but literally fighting to keep Hammer away from his engine. It was amusing to watch the two, Hammer being curious, and Tony being horrified at that curiosity. Finally Hammer retreats, slinking away from Tony’s work mournfully while Tony stood guard, making sure Hammer was across the shop before he zips back over to Rhodey. He had way too much energy for someone who hadn’t slept in two days.

“So,” Tony says, leaning forward and grinning at him in a way that made Rhodey’s heart flutter even if Tony looked like an idiot that was trying too hard to look cute. He successfully did that without trying, not that Rhodey would ever tell him that. “There’s a new slasher flick out, we should go see it.”

“Really, a _slasher flick_?” he asks. He was not the slasher flick type and Tony had to know it, he wasn’t _that_ obtuse.

“Yeah, I figured our first date should commemorate the fact that we both thought the other was an axe murderer when we met,” Tony says and Rhodey throws back his head and laughs.

“Okay genius, you’re on,” he says.

Tony gives him a wide smile, this one genuine instead of trying-too-hard-to-be-cute, “great, see you at eight. Tell Sam and Bucky they can lurk as long as they aren’t too obvious,” he says mischievously.

“They don’t know the meaning of subtle, they still think we don’t know that they teamed up with Natasha and Pepper to pair us together.” They weren’t as slick as they thought but Rhodey figures that he didn’t care in the end anyways.


End file.
